Christmas

Do you think that when Jesus Christ was born, he knew that his birthday would be used as an excuse by more than 2 billion people to explain away their sudden chubbiness? Or perhaps, that it would be exploited by Megacorp McMegacorps everywhere to encourage people to spend money on random gifts like a fish training kit or a 20-litre bucket of pumpkin purée?

Totally not what we’re doing by selling funny Christmas tee shirts and Christmas hoodies. Absolutely, indubitably, definitely, unquestionably not. But—you’d look pretty holy in this Believe in Miracles Christmas t-shirt or this Silent Night Christmas sweater. Just sayin’, good lookin’.

Okay, maybe not frankincense and myrrh, but does anyone actually know what those things are? When we were doing our super important research to dream up this gibberish, we had to spend a bit of time educating ourselves on all things Christmas and Jesus. And it turns out you can purchase frankincense and myrrh essential oils on eBay.

(Yes, someone is actually paying me to learn about the cost of some obscure aromatic resin taken from trees in the Burseraceae family. And now this information has taken up some real estate in your mind, too.)

Anyhoo, it also turns out that these essential oils are great for your skin, and if we were to pivot into a skincare brand (which would definitely not be called Skinheads), we’d probably sell frankincense and myrrh.

Alright, back to Christmas sweaters, Christmas tee shirts, Christmas hoodies, and more. Why spend all your hard-earned dosh on a gold necklace for your paramour? Why not just indulge in a funny Christmas shirt or even an ugly Christmas shirt that will spur lifelong joy? Why not avoid eating two-minute noodles and moving into your parents' basement just to spoil your loved one?

These exclusive Christmas designs are looking pretty tasty now aren’t they? Tell your studmuffin to Jingle Your Balls, now.

Okay, maybe we’re joking about that last sentence. We’re a pretty cool brand, and we make some of the funniest t-shirts on the internet. And even some of the rudest t-shirts on the internet. (Our mum even told us so.) But even if we decked out Jesus in the funniest Threadheads ensemble (like this Don’t Be a Cuntasaurus crop tee), we’d still miss out on a ticket to the big man’s baptism. It’s no easy task trying to impress his father. You know, God.

Anyway, if you’re reading this, it’s probably ho-ho go-time. And there’s no better way to ensure you get lots of ho-hos and ha-has than in an exclusive Christmas sweater design on the big man’s birthday. Our Threadheads men's Christmas sweaters and women’s Christmas t-shirts are designed by in-house artists that we keep locked up in our basement. (You know what Jesus said, ‘if you don’t sin, I died for nothing.’)

So. Do you really want to risk wearing the same ugly Christmas Shirt as your aunt Gladys? Exactly. You don’t. Unless you’re in a relationship with your aunt Gladys. And if you’re in a relationship with your aunt Gladys, how did you tell your parents? I’ve been trying for years.

Don’t be that person at your Christmas dinner. You know, the one dropping the same lame dad jokes about Christmas. We hate to break it to you, but no one wants to know that Santa Jaws delivers Christmas presents to sharks. Or that Santa’s favourite singer is Elf-is Presley. Stop it.

Instead, you could be dropping some Christmas knowledge bombs with these tinsel-tingling facts about that one day in December on which you end up 10x heavier.

Forget about the moon landing. Forget about electric cars. Forget about the Oscar’s slap. Our collection of Christmas shirts are the best thing to happen since Jesus walked on water.

So, what are you waiting for?

Oh, and tell us, what do you call someone who’s afraid of Santa Clause? Claustrophobic.